i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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