i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
