Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
