I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
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