I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
