Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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