I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
