I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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