I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
