Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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