I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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