this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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