im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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