I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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