Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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