Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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