i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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