Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
