me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
