I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
