I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
