Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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