I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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