tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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