Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
