ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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