my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
