Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
