I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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