Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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