Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
