There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
