thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
