my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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