I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
