I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
