Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
