so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
