I'm pants shitting drunk right now
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Is Oprah even human
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
