Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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