In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
