Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
