This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
