He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
