Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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