dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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