You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
