Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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