I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
