Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
