i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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